I think I can still remember how and why I first started liking you. You were so mean to everybody else, and short and rough, and I think I was so selfishly flattered by your attention, or your clearly exclusive gentility towards me, and it developed into some sort of affection. And that year went by, and I remember every detail of it really rather clearly. I looked forward to all the lab correcting days, because I really found your little favors on my grade so endearing and all that. And every little thing that somebody told me that suggested, even a little, that you might like someone else, would make me cry, but I guess not too seriously. I always held belief that you might reciprocate, even to some small degree, the respect, the adulation, the pure and sheer and undiluted reverence I harbored towards you.

And then when I found out, quite solidly, who you did like, I remember being so devastated I can’t even really write it out using words, which is unusual for me I guess. I also still remember how many nights I cried uncontrollably (8 nights) and how much it hurt (my jawline, actually) to hide it at school. What sucks the most is I can remember you getting ticked at me because I was still tearstained from the previous period. You never knew, did you, that you were the reason? This next part I can’t recall, that being how I did eventually get over it. Actually I never did get over it; what I mean is when and how I got over the point where I could actually concentrate in school and homework and everything. I remember the first week I couldn’t even hear anything anybody was saying to me.

I think that even by the end of eighth grade I still hadn’t really gotten back on my game. Evidenced by how I was able to give you my yearbook without hesitating. ;[ I can only do that to people I don’t feel specially towards. I don’t think my heart ever healed. I taped it back together, and it held, and has held until now really. I put a big bandage on the wound, to cover it, temporarily, so I could survive, until now, and now I guess I am finally willing to take it off and let the injury breathe and heal.

I guess now hearing that he has known, has always known, has not done anything about it, barely even reacted when he found out just seals it. There’s nothing, there’s never been anything, there never will be anything and it breaks me in so many ways that I never even thought would be possible. I give up really. I have spent more time trying to get over you than I actually have liking you. Although, while I was trying to get over you I was liking you at the same time so who knows. I hate math, haha. You love it.

I really honestly thought that there was no part left of me to break, after I knew, formally, who you liked. But you found it, and you broke it, and frankly you are the only person in the world I can think of who is capable of doing that.  And after all the devastation, and all the dreams and hopes and maybe-somedays that I had about us, although they all were extremely tentative, I never voiced them until now and now only because I don’t really even care who knows anymore, I think I don’t want this anymore. It was so fun when I started; I was light and happy and very hopeful but now I know that we never could be and never were and so on and now liking you is more of a burden than it is a pleasure.

I think this is the final break. The fragments of my heart, that once contained all the tentative fantasies that we could be, are lying on the ground. I am looking at them from a safe distance. How can they be mine? They are so soft, so vulnerable and fragile, and as you step on them, as you crush them, I doubt more and more that they belong to me. When they were whole, when they composed my complete heart two years ago, they were not so tender. How is it my heart felt so much harder, so much stronger, when it was beating inside me? It stopped beating a long time ago. And now it has died.

And so ceremoniously, I am picking up the pieces; the pieces that belonged more to you than they did to me; and I am bringing them out to the ocean. I am standing on the deck, on the harbor, overlooking it all. And I am going to let them go, let them fly away, cradled in the wind, far far away from here and from me. And half of me, perhaps more than half, is hoping that when I turn around, I will see you, running here and begging me not to. But I know I will not see you. And I know that even if I do, I can and will not listen.

It is always harder to let go of something you never had. I never had you, I always wanted you, but never had you; you never wanted me, always had me. And so what I am letting go of are the hopes and dreams I had of what we might have been.

And so I will do what’s best for me. I will let the pieces of my heart, the broken pieces of broken dreams, go, and for the first time in two years I will allow me to define myself.

Wow that was long. And truthfully I had a lot more to say, but sometimes I forget other people can see this. And since they can, I will watch my tongue. If I had a choice no one would see this except those who know of it directly through me. But what does it matter? Everyone knew anyway.
I think I will also symbolically change my theme. For some reason it reminds me too much about 8th grade which reminds me of you.

I thought Percy was really rather cute. Not at the beginning, but at the end, dang, what a stud. =P Gradual change of feelings towards Percy. Much like with him, with whom it was completely gradual. I have to admit when I first met him I never ever in any sense of the word imagined I might one day feel towards him the way I do now.  First I found him strange, then funny, then somewhat endearing, then repulsing, then sweet, then adorably protective. Ah well. Not the object of this post.

I really liked our group picture for this one! Only, Derrick and Jerry would fold their arms, and one other person wouldn’t bend down and do something with her hands >:P It looks kinda funny because half of us are posing and half look shyish xD

I really liked dinner :] Some nice pics from there. Although I think what happened after almost everyone left was the most exciting? Uncomfortable in a not-bad, not-good way? I don’t exactly know, but my mom was very much amused by what she saw.

It’s actually kind of funny. I always forget that people can read this. It’s like a window to my private mind, but as I remember that it can be read, I have to filter it. I mean I only hope/expect two certain people actually see it. They are really the only two people I want to ever see it. But still I forget, and sometimes I forget that people see it at all. I mean honestly this is all pretty private ;[

I would like to be dramatic here, because, that’s really it. Your innermost thoughts are always the most dramatic, because that’s how we perceive things, and then our mind filters through them to make them logical.  I’d rather not be logical here. I think you seem so wonderfully nice to me because before you, the one before, that is, was not so nice.  He was nice enough to me, which is lovely, but it was likely never really genuine and I think I suffered so so much  for- no, not for, because of him. It’s always hard to dismiss something with such bearing on your life and such lasting impact.

It’s just you seem so startlingly sincere in comparison, and I absolutely love you for that. Using love in the casual, friendly, beautifully relieved sense, haha, not  the “I love you with all my soul, spend the rest of your life with me” sense. That would be stupid.

Completely off topic for a seconndddd….today in french, we had to do workbook pages on the vocab I never read but should have a long long time ago xD And I asked the person next to me how to say something (garden hose to be particular) and she was like I don’t know, which was all good so I smiled and said sure, ok. Then the teacher asks her in front of the class, and she answers very gloriously for us all to bask in superior intelligence and I’m thinking ……… did you figure this out in 2 seconds….. xD so I was a little annoyed but it’s all good.

I just realized it when I wanted so badly to talk to you, but realized I was too shy to and that it felt awkward.  So now I know I like you, to some degree…..or something. It’s kinda frightening to realize you can’t control how you feel and who for, as much as you might like to.

School is ok, I guess. I still feel so lost and little,  mostly because I haven’t explored the school beyond my classes and the N wing. It doesn’t feel like a home away from home, as did Hopkins…

Anyhow, over the summer, I didn’t do much with the exception of Vegas, which was really neat and I want to go back one day. My only activity over the summer then, I guess, was trying to improve my photoshopping capabilities, and I found a good practice subject:

(BTW i made the cut off ones clickable.)

Yup, I was busy over summer….oh lookies the last one says Ricky, which is my husband’s real name :] a gift for him xD beginning to feel less calm. leaving now.

One of my favorite parts though was when you all played as Ike….and then you couldn’t tell who the cheering was for. Haha….xDDDD I did do the banner of him though, like I said I would. Here it is! Yeah…my computer has had many names now. It used to be named Jellybelly, if I recall  correctly, then Justin, and it’s been Ike for a while. I don’t know why I suddenly said that but o well, right? I do have a lot of drives and files and networks named after him. <3

Anyway, here are the pics I have!

So it’s like, hecka weird now that I am re-into yu-gi-oh again. I remember like, I was looking for pictures of Ike, who I find very handsome in every sense of the word, and who currently is serving a my very cute desktop background, and saw that someone had made a yu-gi-oh card of him. So I thought, oh neat, I bet he used a PSD file and worked it on photoshop. So I went around and found the PSD file and started making my own, heh, which you guys might remember.

And then I kind of started watching it again. o.o” And I watched all the way from season 1 to 3 and everything and I started thinking Dark Magician was really, really cute, so I scree-capped all this pictures of him and took all this footage of him and everything (I screencapped that picture myself xD). It’s really, really funny, when I think about it philosophically. There’s this certain episode of the show I recall watching a long time ago, where Dark Magician Girl makes her debut. The episode revolves centrally around Dark Magician (a duels monster card, by the way xD), and this guy who wants to steal it from the protagonist. So he challenges the protagonist to a duel and it’s really no fun for Dark Magician, because he keeps using all these trap cards that either try to kill or capture him. In the end he dies, which is expected, because that guy was so out to get him. Then the protagonist summons the female version, who’s really pretty and all, and wins the duel. And when I was young I was like !!!! I love that girl! And I loved that episode like heck, until I eventually fell out of tune with the show.

Ha….so I rewatched it after all these years and its’ still my favorite, but now because of Dark Magician. Not Dark Magician Girl. I find this ironic because it’s kind of iconic of my growing up, I guess. Little girls like pretty girl monsters, teenage girls like pretty boy monsters. Sigh. I can’t believe I’m a teenager, and I really don’t like growing up.

So I really really thought he was handsome and I actually went and bought his card. o.o” I hope this seller is honest, heh, if you get my drift. I also want to get Dark Magician Knight, who is just as cute, if not more. I actually didn’t screencap that one myself; Dark Magician is more my obsession than him . I’m becoming a spendthrift because of this show.

Yeah. Sigh.

Still, it’s a really sad movie. Like, I’m still in the stage where most of the movies I watch are produced by Disney, and there are always happy endings and successful romances and everything, so the dying was new and saddening. The ways the main three characters died were all so tragic. One is running up to shoot at the Mexicans but he’s shot before he can shoot, and it was really unexpected and out of the blue. I was like “….?!?!” And my favorite character, fell ill like, halfway into the movie, and he was still gravely sick during the final battle, and the Mexicans broke into his room and a huge horde of them just stabbed him in the stomach until he died. But he was still so strong even then that he shot like four of them before they massacred him. And then the other guy’s death was the most heroic of all, but also the saddest, so yeah.

It’s a fairly random obsession. It’s a shame the movie was so largely unsucessful, I really find it enjoyable to the largest degree.

I asked someone to sign my yearbook. It was a huge mess-up, cause I was worrying about it the whole day, so when I finally did ask him, I was so desperate I tackled him to get his attention. I’m soooo smart. I could kill myself right now. x[

There are so many more people I want to ask to sign my yearbook. Well, two, actually. Like, really badly. And a few others who I’ll ask, but those two are like, eeeeeehhhhhh must ask or I’ll kinda regret it, I think. But one doesn’t know me, the other will probably go like …whatever…. and I don’t want a …whatever….

So yeah. On the other hand, I’m not going to play with the GA photos as much as I had hoped to. It’s tiring. I can’t do it. x[ I don’t have the perseverence.

And on another hand, ability acquirement is tedious, and tiring, and I hate doing it. (For Warriors Orochi 2.)

And it’s the cute Liu Bei!!!!!!!! The one I tried to draw in your yearbook. But, this is his DW4 model, I tried to do the DW5 model cause I know you don’t like that floppy feather coming out of his hat. xP